Man United v Everton – live!
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26 min: Rafael gets smacked again, this time by Saha, who he then hauls to the ground. Rafael gets a booking.
24 min: Cahill attempts to make Da Silva’s first appearance of the season his last as he crunches him. United get the free-kick and very little else.
22 min: We’ve received a missive from the powers that be about cutting out football cliche from copy. I’m sweating with terror as I recognise all my favourite phrases. Meanwhile, targetman Wayne Rooney continues to rampage against the Merseyside outfit, who lack quality in the final third, as United look to put them to the sword. Any pet hates in cliche land?
19 min: An Everton chance! But Saha handballs – French striker handballing etc insert your own joke here. So actually it wasn’t a chance. Apologies for the excitement.
17 min: Howard makes his first save as Owen and Giggs get in each other’s way before Giggs bobbles a shot that the Everton keeper saves low to his right.
15 min: Rooney flicks the ball on for Valencia, who is lost in the tangle of Baines’s legs. One person in the crowd shouts for a penalty. Everyone ignores him.
13 min: This is really unambitious stuff from Everton, who seem happy to sit back and let United punch them rpeatedly in the face. Like the Rumble in the Jungle but with Rick Moranis as Muhammad Ali. Ian Copestake again: “I fear Everton could disappear in this game.” They already have, Ian. “Moyes has done wonders when his team used to respond by putting their limbs on the line but so thin is their team now that they are treading water. Nani will regret opening his mouth as even he could have shone in this game.
11 min: Giggs nearly plays Owen in but Distin gets across quickly to clear.
10 min: United have pitched their tents in Everton’s half and are cracking out the sausages and beans as we speak. Apart Rooney, whose stamped on his tent in frustration because he can’t figure out which pole goes where. Instead he’s raiding into the Everton box with Evra as his accomplice. “Will United’s Da Silva twins be eligible for a two-for-one discount treatment on the placenta treatment we’ve all been hearing about?” wonders Justin Kavanagh.
7 min: Fletcher advances ominously and Valencia is able to put in a cross that eventually falls to Rooney, whose dangerous ball skims across goal. Nobody to finish it off though.
5 min: Evra crosses for Rooney to head on to … well, who does he head on to? Nobody, that’s who.
3 min: Yobo heads clear, or at least to Michael Owen who wins a corner that results in a proper clearance. Here’s Ian Copestake: “I thought Ferguson was a hard man, but from what you said at the start it seems he is so soft he does not even want Ben Foster to go out alone. Bless.”
1 min: Everton kick-off. “Welcome to one of the gold-plated fixtures of English football,” lies Jon Champion.
5.02pm: Lord Ferg has been unhappy with Wayne Rooney’s media exposure of late, which – let’s face it – has been pretty low key over the last few years. Here’s what the great man had to say: “Every time England go on a trip, who goes on TV? Wayne Rooney, every blinking time,” grumbled Ferguson. “It must get boring asking the same player to do it every time. That is because they have sponsors. That is the FA, they love that kind of thing. But it is not fair on the player to continually have to do the press all the time. It is the same one all the time.”
It is disgraceful that the FA dares to put its captain up for interview and for that reason we won’t be mentioning Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney Wayne Rooney in today’s game.
4.57pm: Chelsea are now eight points clear of United after their victory over Wolves. The chances of United closing that gap look pretty good: United have scored 69 Premier League goals against Everton – more than against any other team and the last time Everton won at Old Trafford was in 1992.
4.53pm: Berbatov has failed to recover from a knee injury he picked up on international duty, so wee Micky Owen starts in his place. Rafael da Silva comes in for Jonny Evans, whose calf has been seized by HM Customs as it turns out it’s made entirely of smuggled beluga caviar.
This evening’s teams for your reading pleasure:
Man Utd: Van der Sar, Rafael Da Silva, Brown, Vidic, Evra,
Valencia, Fletcher, Carrick, Giggs, Rooney, Owen. Subs: Kuszczak, Anderson, Scholes, Welbeck, Obertan, Gibson, De Laet.
Everton: Howard, Neill, Yobo, Distin, Baines, Gosling, Rodwell, Heitinga, Cahill, Fellaini, Saha. Subs: Nash, Hibbert, Jo, Yakubu, Coleman, Duffy, Baxter.
Everton face the imposing challenge of a visit to Old Trafford to face the Premier League champions in today’s late kick-off.
Rio Ferdinand is still out for United, but Nemanja Vidic is expected to return to shore up the defence.
Former United striker Lous Saha has a point to prove to his old manager, here you can read all about his burning desire to return to Old Trafford and make his mark for Everton.
Alternatively, here is Tim Rich’s report on Fergie’s refusal to let goalkeeper Ben Foster go out on loan.
